When Cynthia’s partner moved abroad, she believed their love could withstand the distance. At first, their relationship thrived despite the miles between them. They spoke daily, shared details of their lives, laughed over video calls, and made plans for a future together. But as time passed, the distance became more than just physical—it became emotional.
The strain of migration on relationships is not unique to Cynthia. Approximately 14 million people in the United States are in long-distance relationships, with about 32.5% of college relationships falling into this category.
The average distance between partners is 125 miles, and couples typically visit each other 1.5 times a month. However, around 40% of these relationships end in breakup, often around the 4.5-month mark, highlighting the challenges of maintaining love across borders.
In Nigeria, the ‘Japa’ wave has led to thousands of young professionals and couples being separated by opportunities abroad, making stories like Cynthia’s increasingly common.
“It was all fine in the beginning,” Cynthia recalled. “We weren’t even together when he left, but we started talking more, checking in on each other every day. Before I knew it, we had built a bond that made us wish we were closer.”
For months, they maintained their routine. Cynthia never felt lonely because he was always there to talk to. “Speaking with him became my hobby,” she said, smiling at the memory. Her friends adored him, and her family supported their relationship, especially after they got engaged. It seemed like a love story that could withstand anything—until cracks began to form.
Distance changes people. Over time, Cynthia noticed a shift. The excitement in his voice faded, and their once lively conversations grew shorter. When she asked if something was wrong, he blamed work stress.
“He wasn’t the same person anymore,” she admitted. “At first, I ignored it, but then I started losing interest too.”
Long-distance relationships are often romanticised, but they come with significant challenges. Trust and communication issues are among the top reasons they struggle. In Cynthia’s case, things took a turn when her partner became increasingly possessive.
“He always wanted to know where I was, who I was with, and what I was doing,” she said.
Despite the warning signs, she held on—until the truth became undeniable. “He started seeing someone else,” Cynthia revealed, her voice heavy with disappointment.
For Cynthia, the betrayal was more than just heartbreak; it was a redefinition of love and trust. The experience forced her to confront the emotional labour of long-distance relationships, where one partner often carries more of the burden.
“I will never advise anyone to pursue a long-distance relationship,” she affirmed.
The Toll of Distance
Psychologist Michael Chukwu explains that long-distance separation due to migration can significantly impact emotional well-being.
“When feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and sadness arise due to a physically absent partner, emotional distress can set in,” he says. Citing John Bowlby’s attachment theory, he adds that humans need emotional closeness to feel secure, and separation often leads to doubts about a partner’s availability, straining relationships.
“I had already started adjusting my life around him,” Cynthia said. “I built my routine around our calls, my plans included him, and then, suddenly, I had to start over. It’s like mourning someone who’s still alive but no longer yours.”
The mental health impact of failed long-distance relationships is significant. Breakups from long-term emotional investment can trigger depression, anxiety, and even physical symptoms such as sleep disturbances. Cynthia struggled with self-doubt.
“I kept asking myself, was I not enough? Did I not give enough?”
According to Chukwu, coping with heartbreak or emotional distance requires self-care and communication.
“Lazarus and Folkman’s Stress and Coping Theory suggests that people can manage stress by using problem-focused coping, like planning visits, or emotion-focused coping, like seeking support from friends,” he explains. “Engaging in hobbies, staying connected through social media, and setting clear relationship goals can also help individuals process their emotions.”
When Love Survives the Distance
Cynthia’s story is not an isolated case. As more Nigerians leave the country in pursuit of better economic opportunities, the phenomenon of ‘Japa heartbreaks’ is gaining attention.
Migration is not just about leaving a country; it’s about leaving relationships behind, too. Many couples underestimate how much physical presence contributes to a relationship. Over time, loneliness and new experiences often lead to emotional drift.
However, not all long-distance relationships end in heartbreak. In a discussion on Quora, Lasse Harley, a Ghanaian, found love with his American wife when she visited Ghana for business in 2020.
“We got to know each other, and even before we officially started dating, we made sure we had the same energy and vision,” he said.
When she returned to the U.S., Lasse feared their relationship would fade. “I thought what we had would just die or hit a dead end,” he admitted. “But the thing that gave me hope was that she was equally committed.”
The couple prioritised communication.
“We agreed to talk every day because communication is key in every relationship,” he said. Despite a four-hour time difference, they made it work. “I devoted my time and energy to the relationship, always making time to speak with her before bed. It became a habit.”
To keep things interesting, they introduced virtual games. “We both use iPhones, so we played games together while being apart. Competing and teasing each other kept things fun,” he shared.
For six months, they never missed a day of talking. When she returned to Ghana, their relationship deepened, and in 2021, Lasse proposed. “She said YES!” he beamed.
Lessons Learnt
Reflecting on her experience, Cynthia offers a hard-earned lesson: “If you don’t have patience and tolerance, don’t go into a long-distance relationship.”
As migration continues to shape romantic relationships in unexpected ways, stories like Cynthia’s serve as reminders that love, no matter how deep, must evolve with circumstance.
Some couples find ways to make it work, adapting to the challenges, while others succumb to the realities of distance. Airports remain places of both hopeful reunions and heartbreaking goodbyes. Love, in all its forms, continues to be tested by the borders that separate us.
Cynthia's story highlights the challenges of long-distance relationships exacerbated by migration. Initially, her relationship with her partner thrived across distances, with daily communication and plans for the future. However, emotional distance began to form, leading to possessiveness and eventual betrayal as her partner became involved with someone else. Cynthia advises against long-distance relationships, citing emotional strain and the need to restart life plans after a breakup.
Psychologist Michael Chukwu notes that separation impacts emotional well-being, as physical absence can lead to loneliness and anxiety. Coping strategies suggested by him include maintaining communication, engaging in hobbies, and seeking support. While many long-distance relationships struggle, some thrive through mutual commitment and innovative ways to maintain interest, like daily communication and virtual games. Reflecting on her experience, Cynthia warns that patience and tolerance are crucial for such relationships, as migration continues to test love across boundaries.
